Self control and emotion control

Young children struggling with emotional control and self-control is a very normal part of development. You may see these emerging skills on display at the check-out in your local grocery store with a child begging for a chocolate, after being told ‘no’, and struggling to manage their emotions as they lay on the floor kicking and screaming. Children gradually learn how to handle their emotions better. For example, school-age children are developing skills to see things from someone else’s perspective. They are learning to be able to ‘agree to disagree’. These skills are part of a wider set of skills called executive functioning.

While these skills are still developing there are things you can do as a parent to assist your children to better manage their emotions over time.

Practice recognising and naming emotions.
Talk about emotions that characters in books, TV shows or movies show, for example, ‘Look at her face. I can see she is crying and looks sad’.
Read books about emotions with your child. The When I’m Feeling… series by Trace Moroney is great.
Model recognising and acknowledging emotions, for example, ‘When I dropped my food on the ground I yelled. Do you sometimes do that when you feel angry?’
Help your child work out how their body feels when they’re experiencing different emotions, for example, ‘You look nervous. Have you got butterflies in your tummy?’

Help children learn simple strategies to manage emotions or feel more calm:

Teach strategies such as counting to 10 or having a drink of water.
Try triangle breathing- use your index finger to trace a triangle on the palm of your hand as you take deep breaths.
Let children know that it’s OK to feel big emotions. When they have calmed down, help your child understand the difference between the emotion and behaviour. For example, ‘it’s OK to feel angry, but it’s not OK to hit others’.

Trying to stay calm yourself gives you a chance to model appropriate emotion regulation. Looking after yourself, and your wellbeing, can help you stay calm when there are big emotions happening. If you are concerned about your child’s emotional control start by talking to your GP.

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NSW Centre for Effective Reading

Self control and emotion control